A woman with a $50 note stuck in each ear goes into a bank and says she has an appointment with the manager.  “Oh yes,” says the manager when he is informed of the woman’s arrival.  “She’s got $100 in arrears.”

Q.  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A.  How many can you afford?

Wife:  I need a new dress.  I haven’t had any new clothes for ages.
Husband:  What’s wrong with the dress you’ve got?
Wife:  It’s too long and impractical and besides, the veil keeps getting in my eyes.

The customer asked the hardware shop assistant for a tin of canary coloured paint.  “I need it to paint my parakeet so I can enter him in a canary contest.  He sings so sweetly he’s bound to win.”Well, you can’t do that,” said the assistant.  The paint will kill him.”
“No it won’t,” replied the man.  The shop worker insisted.  “Look, I’ll bet you a tenner your parakeet dies if you try to paint him!”  “You’re on,” said the pet owner.
Two days later, he came back to the shop looking very sheepish, and laid a crisp $10 note on the counter.  “So the painting killed him?” enquired the assistant.
“Indirectly,” said the customer.  “He didn’t survive the sanding between coats.”

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